In the past couple of months..I have come to a conclusion. DON'T MAKE SOMEONE A PRIORITY WHO MAKES YOU AN OPTION. This has been one of the hardest things that I've had to learn that has dragged on for, sadly, months. Yes it took me months to finally realize this. During the process I finally realzed this but kept going and didn't really want to accept it for what it was. So what did I do? I kept on making them a priority. When we were together or not they were always my priority. When we weren't together I was still thinking about them, wondering, feeling so sad and depressed, calling them and trying to keep in contact even thought the only thing we did was argue... while I, and I finally see this, was just an option that they could pick up and put down. And needless to say this was my fault because I allowed them to do it. My moods were set around them. I would be so happy when they were talking to me and treating me like i was theirs..while when they wouldn't or didn't call me or text me I would just fall apart. Their history of being a pimp and a player didn't help out at all and that had an affect on me. The lies that I was told just kept getting fed to me and I would eat them like I was an obese child eating all the junk that I was handed to them. But now that I have been fed all of that.. I am throwing up the truth.

Needless to say this person was all I ever wanted. At first when I would see them around and I really didn't like them. But the day when words finally interacted...I was drawn in. Spent a whole day on Saturday when I was shopping sending text messages, which was rare because ya'll know I LOVE to shop! Phone conversations drew me in and drew my phone bill to over 400 dollars because we didn't have the same service. (they need to do something about that..why can't we all talk for free???) I got hooked! I wasn't in-love but that person was perfect to me. And then somethings happen and I said their was no point to all of this if I couldn't only be theirs... So what happens? I try to move and find someone else..but I'll be damned if the only thing I could think about was them! This was the first time I had ever felt so strong about anyone..and I knew that this liking had turned into love...and needless to say.. i was SPRUNG! Was it the way they would talk, walk, look me, just stand there? I had no idea but I knew I was caught. And that was the start of it all. But smooth talk only sets you up for disappointment.

Needless to say I wasn't the only one that was caught up. But the other person wasn't them...o no...it was someone else. How someone can be with someone and then be with someone else too is beyond reasoning to me! I don't care how to call it..its so wrong. I don't care if the situation is bad, or your not happy..THEN BREAK UP!!! Don't dare be with someone and break their heart because you have the need to go and get your fancy fulfilled. But then again..I guess I can't really speak on this too much because when I was with them for the first couple of months...I was the side girl...and maybe that's why I am in the perdicument that I am in. "What does around comes back around." And needless to say "once a cheater always a cheater". They probably wonder why I always thought they were messing around..well thats why!!! And your probably thinking since she knows all of this why did she keep going?? Honestly, I thought I could change them. I really did. I thought that they would see that I was the only one they needed and not anyone else. My friends tried to tell me to leave it alone and yet and still I kept going. So in the end I guess I do deserve what was served to me.

I did things for them that I would never have done for anyone. No, they didn't ask for it, but that's what you do when you love someone as much as I loved them. I would look my best everyday just in case I saw them..and then look EXTRA NICE when i knew I would see them. I knew they loved my hair up so whenever I got the chance to best believe my hair was up. I always believe that it was the little things in life that kept you going...and to me if they liked that..then i loved it. And I think they did notice it. I am not going to say that they didn't do things to make me feel special. When I was with them I always felt special. Or when they would use something I bought them...or wear it when they seen me..... There were so many that wanted to make me their priority but I never gave them a chance because I would always find a flaw. Or they aren't my type, their not what I want....and the excuses just kept pilling up...and to them..I say I'm sorry. There wasn't anything wrong with you..the problem was with me. Arguments with my best friend because she could see the pain and hurt I was going through and just tried to get me to see..but I was blinded.

I wasn't always the little innocent one though. And I don't want you to think that I was always right and never did anything wrong..because i did. I would look for information to catch them in things....just to see if they really were messing around. Needless to say I always seemed to find something. Just to ask to see their cellphone was an issue that would lead to attitudes. And to this day I still believe that RINGTONES MEAN SOMETHING!!!! But I didn't have to go around and find out that they were a player and a pimp. And that everytime they were done with one girl..they always had that backup one right there.....someone told me that. So my question is, "If you are with someone, why are you looking for someone else...or even have someone on the side?" Maybe that was my problem. I didn't have someone on the side so when they hurt me I could just go to someone else to make me feel better. I had to deal with all that mess by myself! AND WHY THEY WOULD CALL MY FRIEND 30 MINS AFTER WE BROKE IT OFF ON FRIDAY IS SOOOOOOOOO BEYOND ME, ESPECIALLY...ESPECIAL SINCE YOU DON'T TALK TO THEM LIKE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!! It's not that I was jealous of the other girls..it was just that my love was so strong and I didn't want anyone to be able to share the same thing that we had..or at least what I thought we had.

Maybe I am just writing this because I am upset and hurting. I don't know. But I do know that I am so done with getting back together just to break up again. I am so done with stressing myself for someone who doesn't make me their priorty. I am so done with being an option! I think that I am worth holding on to..and if you can't see it..I can't force you to. I don't know what is going to open your eyes...but I have no more plans to try .I may not be wearing the pants in a relationship..but i can gurantee that my mind has on some tight jeans....

*unbreakable*